Why does a partner often avoid working on themselves?

At a recent talk, I heard several women say something similar:

“My husband would never agree to come.”

Alongside that, other familiar sentences kept coming up:

“I don’t need that.”

“We don’t need that.”

“That’s nonsense.”

These were not words spoken with indifference. Behind them, I sensed disappointment, loneliness and longing in the women. As though they were saying: ‘I would love us to grow together. I would love us to be able to talk more deeply. I would love not to have to carry our relationship alone.’

And that is why I want to approach this subject gently.

Not as an attack on men. Not as more proof that women are ready to work on themselves and men are not. Not as an attempt to declare a man the problem that needs fixing.

I want to try to understand what is happening between two people who love each other, yet cannot meet each other in this part of their lives.

Although I begin this article with the words of women who spoke to me about their husbands’ resistance, this pattern is not tied exclusively to gender. There are relationships in which the man suggests therapy, a workshop or a retreat, while the woman withdraws, minimises the problem or says she does not need it.

So this is not only a story about men who resist and women who want to work on the relationship. It is a story about the dynamic between a partner who longs for change and a partner who, at that moment, protects themselves from it. The roles can be reversed, and sometimes they alternate within the same relationship.

When one partner invites closeness and the other hears criticism

When one partner says:

“Can we work on our relationship?” “Can we go to therapy?” “Can we go on a couples retreat?”

they are often trying to say:

“I miss you.” “I want to be closer to you.” “I want us to hear each other again.” “I don’t want us to lose what we have.”

But the other partner may not hear those words in the same way.

They may hear them as:

“You’re not good enough.” “There’s something wrong with you.” “You’ve failed again.” “You’re to blame for our relationship.” “Now someone will analyse me and explain what I should be like.”

One person speaks from a longing for closeness.

The other listens through a fear of failure, loss of control or being shamed.

And that is where a cycle begins in which both feel misunderstood.

Why many men are wary of psychotherapy and personal development

Many boys grew up hearing that a man must know, be capable, endure and solve the problem.

He must not show that he does not know. He must not be weak. He must not feel too much. He must not ask for help.

His worth was often tied to how much he could carry, protect, provide, control and remain steady.

That is why entering therapy, a workshop or a retreat can mean much more than attending an event.

It can mean admitting:

“I don’t know how to solve this.” “I can’t do everything alone.” “There are emotions I don’t know how to name.” “Perhaps I’ve hurt the woman I love.” “Perhaps I don’t even know what I need.”

For someone who has spent their whole life learning that they must have the answers, that can be very frightening.

And then it is often easier to say:

“That’s nonsense.”

That sentence closes the conversation before a man has to feel his own uncertainty.

Resistance often has more beneath it than coldness

This does not mean that every man’s resistance is only fear. Sometimes a person genuinely does not want to work on themselves. Sometimes they do not want to take responsibility. Sometimes the relationship is not equally important to them. Sometimes the way of working being offered simply does not suit them.

It is important not to romanticise that.

But very often, what lies beneath the resistance is not coldness.

Beneath it may be a fear:

• of not knowing what to say
• of being shamed
• of appearing weak in front of his partner
• that the therapist or facilitator will automatically take her side
• of becoming the only person to blame
• of losing control
• that something will come out of him that he will no longer be able to put back

Sometimes a man’s withdrawal does not mean that he does not care.

He withdraws because he does not know how to stay present without losing his image of himself as a capable, strong man.

What happens to the woman

On the other side, a woman who has been trying to begin the conversation for a long time starts to feel alone.

She suggests talking. He shuts down.

She suggests therapy. He says she is exaggerating.

She tries to explain what she misses. He says everything is fine and that she is always looking for a problem.

Her longing can then turn into frustration.

She becomes more critical. She pushes harder. She sends him articles and videos. She compares him with other men. She tells him he is emotionally unavailable. Perhaps she shames him for ‘not working on himself’.

She is not trying to hurt him.

She feels powerless and unseen.

But the more she pushes, the less love he hears in her invitation, and the more criticism.

And the more he withdraws, the louder she becomes.

A cycle in which both lose

This is how the familiar cycle develops:

1. She longs for closeness and suggests working on the relationship.

2. He hears criticism and proof that he is not good enough.

3. He withdraws, minimises the problem or rejects the suggestion.

4. She feels abandoned and pushes even harder.

5. He shuts down even more.

6. Both become increasingly lonely.

Within that cycle, she begins to believe that he does not care.

He begins to believe that what he gives will never be enough for her.

She feels as though she is carrying the relationship alone.

He feels as though he can never succeed in the relationship.

His resistance belongs to him.

Her reaction to his resistance belongs to her.

And the pattern they create between them belongs to the relationship.

The same applies in a relationship where the roles are reversed: her resistance belongs to her, his reaction belongs to him, and what they keep repeating together belongs to their dynamic.

And they are no longer talking about what really hurts.

They speak through defence, criticism, silence, withdrawal and resentment.

How to invite him without making the invitation sound like a verdict

The way we invite our partner can make a great difference.

Instead of:

“You really need therapy.”

we can try saying:

“I would love us to have a space together where we can hear each other better.”

Instead of:

“It’s impossible to talk to you.”

we can say:

“I miss feeling that we’re on the same side.”

Instead of:

“If you cared, you would agree.”

we can ask:

“What are you afraid might happen if we went?”

Instead of explaining to a man what is wrong with him, we can tell him what matters to us:

“I don’t want to fix you. I want to be closer to you.”

Of course, even a perfectly worded invitation cannot make another person ready.

A woman is not responsible for finding magic words that will change a man.

But she can speak from her own truth rather than from accusation.

What a man can do

A man does not have to arrive completely open.

He does not have to know how to talk about everything. He does not have to understand every emotion. He does not have to have answers ready. He does not have to trust the process immediately.

He can bring his resistance with him.

He can say:

“I don’t know what’s expected of me.” “I’m afraid I’ll be blamed.” “I don’t want to be fixed.” “I don’t know how to talk about this, but I don’t want to lose our relationship.”

And that is already a beginning.

Vulnerability does not contradict a man’s strength.

Vulnerability is the ability to stay present even when we cannot control everything we feel.

Sometimes the greatest act of love is to show up.

Working on a relationship is not a punishment

A couples retreat is not a punishment for a relationship that is not working.

It is not the last stop before a break-up. It is not a courtroom. It is not a place where someone will decide who is to blame.

Within a healthy, safe framework, it is a space in which both people can pause and hear each other again.

A space in which the woman does not have to carry the relationship’s emotional life alone.

A space in which the man does not have to have every solution.

A space in which both can look at what is happening between them, without shame, humiliation or the need to make one of them the problem.

You can begin the first conversation today

Before you suggest therapy, a workshop or a retreat to your partner again, you can ask each other a few questions:

• What do you hear when I say that I want to work on our relationship?
• What are you afraid might happen in that space?
• Do you feel that I want to fix you, or that I want to be closer to you?
• What would help you feel safer?
• What do we both want to preserve in our relationship?

Do not look for a perfect answer immediately.

First, try to hear what lies beneath the defence.

Behind her pressure there may be longing.

Behind his withdrawal there may be fear.

When those two can finally be seen, the cycle begins to change.

A gentle invitation